if you’re like us, you’ve heard hundreds of rave reviews of the facials your bougie friends have received in beverly hills. wonderful, you say. i want to acquire a radiant face while listening to enya too, you say. how much does it cost? “it’s $200 but soooo worth it!” your bougie friend replies.
suddenly this hoodrat is sounding sillier to you by the minute. all we know is if we have an extra couple hundos laying around, it’s going toward a rebecca minkoff clutch or some exotic vanilla we need to bake those cute little cookies martha stewart just pinned…but we digress.
here’s where we tell you that if your skin needs some TLC on a budget, you can look no further than your nearest whole foods or trader joe’s for an amazing facial that will only set you back $8. yes, $8. and yes, it really works. when our favorite
model-we-pretend-to-be-friends with girl crush allie crandell instagrammed a pic of aztec secret clay, we knew it had to be good. so we picked up a jar of it at whole foods for $6 and dropped another $2 on organic apple cider vinegar to mix it with. because we do what allie crandell tells us to do.
a tiny amount of apple cider vinegar + clay will be enough for your whole face
the beauty of this mask is that you need only the tiniest teensiest amount of the dry clay for a single facial — we’re about 10 masks deep in ours and the jar is still 3/4 full. to create your facial, mix your teensy serving of the clay with some apple cider vinegar (again, not too much, you just want enough so that it looks like a suspicious paste). now that you have a paste, rub that shit all over your face — you want it to be pretty thick (ahem…that’s what she said).
here’s the deal, ladies. we’ve all seen too many rom coms where the female lead puts on a facial mask in front of her romantic interest and tee-hee oh-em-gee, he nearly proposes to her on the spot, suddenly overwhelmed with affection for this ponytailed down-to-earth girl and her perfectly imperfect messiness.
we’re telling you now, this is not the mask to pull that shit with. after you’ve rubbed the paste onto your face, for the next 15-20 minutes you will watch in morbid fascination as you morph into the elephant man. let us tell you, it is certainly not cute and it certainly does not make you a rachel mcadams-esque perfectly quirky beauty. lock the damn door to your bathroom and don’t let anyone in, especially not any man you’re hoping will want to sleep with you in the near future.
actual forehead texture. we are not fucking with you.
once it’s dry and you look thoroughly horrifying, you can rinse it off with warm water. don’t be scared if your skin looks a little red; the clay is supposed to do that, and we promise it’ll fade within about 30 minutes. be sure to follow up with your favorite moisturizer.
keep up a routine of 1-2 masks per week and voila, your skin will soon be silky smooth and blemish free, all for the cost of about 25 cents per clay-and-vinegar facial. it’s a christmas miracle! now go forth and prosper (alone. we mean it. seriously, don’t put this shit on in front of your boyfriend thinking he’ll be charmed — we’ll bet you still believe in santa clause too don’t you).
your skin will be smooth as a rachel mcadams’ bottom in no time using the aztec clay method