ahhh. we remember our  first coachella. everyone told you if you’re not camping you’re crazy? scared you won’t be able to find your car? not sure what the hell to wear? we got you, girl. we got you. read on to learn the ins and outs of this festival thang and our coachella tips to ensure you have the best. time. EVER!

coachella tips + survival guide for the non-lame girl

DON’T dress differently than you would in real life. yeah, you might be a little more inclined to wear a crop top or short shorts than you would on any other day because it’s 100 degrees out. plus, it’s a friday and you are drunk in a desert, instead of in your office. you celebrate that shit all you want, girl. you bare that midriff in honor of your newfound liberty. but coachella is not a costume party. so if you don’t dress like a tiny navajo princess or glaring neon sign on a day to day basis, don’t do it here, girls. for the love of god, don’t do it here.

DO have some cash with you and accept the fact that you will need to purchase water once inside of the festival grounds. coachella does this cute thing where they tell you ahead of time that if you bring an empty refillable water bottle you’ll be able to fill it up at water stations. feasible early in the day but later on when the drunk people notice how thirsty they are, the lines at the water stations rival those getting you through security. you’ll be so happy to shell out the $2 for a bottle of crystal geyser and move on with your life!

DON’T wear sandals. your feet will be covered in dirt and sand the second they hit the walkway to the polo fields until the last artist ends at 1am, and that just ain’t proper. boots or sneakers will keep you comfortable and (relatively) clean.

DO take advantage of the parking lot if you aren’t staying within walking distance. we assure you, it is not what everyone makes it out to be. park, drop a pin so you know where to find your car, go forth and have a blasty blast. but be sure at least one person in your group is sober and safe to drive home.

DON’T climb up on your boyfriend’s shoulders during shows. every chick who does this immediately looks around to make sure everyone sees how cute and bohemian she is. we can assure you of 3 things in this situation: 1) nobody thinks you’re cute, and you’re blocking their view. 2) you’ve been hanging out in 100° weather all day and no one’s head belongs between your thighs right now. 3) this isn’t woodstock and your photo isn’t going to be taken for you to live forever in infamy on getty images. get the fuck down.

DO bring some booze-y booze to pre-game and possibly even some snacks to bring inside the festival with you. like food, alcohol is expensive on the grounds (we’re talking vegas prices, for shit’s sake). we’re pretty certain there is absolutely no way you could get any alcohol in around security, but at least you can pre-game for cheap.

DON’T wear those denim diaper shorts that show your cheeks. truly horrific. aside from all the lectures we could give you on being a lady, the absolute most important thing these should make you fearful of: chafing. c-h-a-f-i-n-g.

DON’T do that weird, kicking, i’m-a-pixie-in-the-woods dance. stop that. at once.

DON’T say “i only go if i have an artist pass”, whether you are actually attending coachella or not. odds are, if you’re saying this, you DON’T have an artist pass & just don’t feel like telling people you didn’t want to buy a ticket. stop being a hater, you sassy little angeleno tart.

DO have fun. coachella is what you make it to be. yes, you will be amongst many types who came for the parties. but, you will also be amongst many who came for the music, just like you. ignore the lame ones and have fun with the people you came with and you’ll have an amazing time.